Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.

hree vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

              A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

                                Knock Knock Jokes

nock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework? Knock, knock Who’s there? Merry. Merry who? Merry Christmas! Knock, knock.Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anee. Anee,who? Anee one you like! Knock, knock Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from knocking! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dozen. Dozen who? Dozen anybody want to let me in? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little money for the movies. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Henrietta. Henrietta who? Henrietta worm that was in his apple. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue knocked on this door before? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up, it’s cold out here! Knock, knock. Who’s there? A herd. A herd who? A herd you were home, so I came over! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Otto. Otto who? Otto know. I’ve got amnesia. Knock, knock. Who’s there? King Tut. King Tut who? King Tut-key fried chicken! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it’s cold out here. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good place we can get something to eat? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin the piggy bank again. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way, I’m coming through! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Arfur. Arfur who? Arfur got! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday to you! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Wow. You sure are excited to see me! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cow’s go Cow’s go who? Cow’s don’t go who, they go moo! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Roach. Roach who? Roach you a letter, did you get it? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iona. Iona who? Iona new car! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scold. Scold who? Scold enough out here to go ice skating. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside! Knock, knock Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by. Knock, knock Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben knocking For 10 minutes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Two knee. Two knee who? Two-knee fish! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hoo. Hoo who? Are you a owl? Knock, knock. Who’s there? I am. I am who? You mean you don’t know who you are?

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."

The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?

A: It was going too fast for her to get on.

They don't treat the black people right. In our neighborhoods, they don't have banks -- they have check cashing.

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"

Swimmimg...it's not a sport, it's a way to keep from drowning.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. :D

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

                                             A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?


"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."


"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."       

                                                          Have you seen my chestnuts?
                                                           Chestnuts? What chestnuts?

                                                         

                                                                   WHO ATE Nutella?

                                   Hey, boss Give me a screwdriver Culler is blown.

                                                              NFS cardboard

                                                              When I forget to save your game :)
                                                           

Her last word in home ;)

(poor her husband)

                                                               MAY THE APPLE BE WITH YOU :)

                                                     

PHONE of Chuck Norris :)